Inside the Mind of a Mistress: Anna

In Love with a Married Man
Dr. Phil speaks with guests about the pain, turmoil and deception that go hand in hand with loving someone who is married to someone else.

Anna has been dating her married lover, "Phillip," for six months. When they met on the Internet, he told her he was separated from his wife. Four months later, Phillip moved back in with his wife and told Anna it was to help his children.


"When he went back to his wife, I continued because I was already in love with him," says Anna, who says she doesn't feel guilty because it feels so good when they're together.

"I love the way he looks, the way he is so kind and gentle, and just makes me feel so special."


Anna and Phillip have even talked about having a baby together. "When I'm not with Phillip, I think about him all the time. I'm always anxious to hear from him," says Anna. She turns to Dr. Phil to see if she has the right to ask Phillip to leave his wife.

Anna records a video diary while she waits to see Phillip again. The following are a few entries:


Anna: I'm waiting for an e-mail. I haven't received one in a day, which is very, very, very rare and that makes me miss him all the more ...


I've been thinking about breaking it off with him. Because it's hurting me too much ...


I need some solid answers this time. I always get the same answers of, 'Give me a little bit more time.' ...


He's been really seriously considering leaving his wife. Although I don't want to be responsible for this act, I feel in a way I am, because I've given him something he's never experienced before, and perhaps that has compelled him to reconsider his relationship with his wife. However, I have to say without feeling guilt, that it pleased me to no end ...

Anna admits that she's struggling with whether she should continue to pursue Phillip and believe that he will leave his wife to be with her.


Dr. Phil offers to answer that for her. "But I have two questions for you first," he says. "Question one is why are you willing to settle for being the other woman in some guy's life, and number two, what gives you the right to be jacking around with someone's husband?"


Anna disagrees with Dr. Phil's wording. "I don't call it 'jacking around.' I call it a chance. I met somebody by chance and he was separated when we met. I wouldn't directly go after a married man."


Dr. Phil points out that Phillip is married, and he does have kids. "So he's with his wife and children and then you're out there swimming around the perimeter like a shark going by the beach " because that's how she looks at you, I guarantee you. You're out there attacking their family unit. How do you make that OK in your mind?" he asks her.

Anna says Phillip is very unhappy in his relationship and destined to separate since he only went back to his wife to help his children.


Dr. Phil asks Anna if she thinks Phillip is lying to her. "We already know he lies, right? We know he's a liar because he's living a lie with his wife and his children ... What makes you think he wouldn't lie to you?"


"Well, there are no guarantees in life," says Anna.


"Do you have any idea whether you're the only other woman that he has or not?" he presses.
Anna says she can't be 100 percent certain, but she knows she makes him very happy when they're together, and if they were together permanently, he wouldn't have to go anywhere else.


"There's an old saying, 'If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you,'" points out Dr. Phil.

Ann responds: "I know. I've been married before and I know what it's all about ... but if you're very, very unhappy, I think why go on?"


"Does it seem like you have one rationalization after another, that all adds up to make it OK for you to be some place you don't belong?" Dr. Phil asks.


"I do feel guilty sometimes," admits Anna. "I feel bad for her, and I told him that this is not correct. This isn't fair that he's living with her and being with me."


"Is it possible you're being used?"


"I wouldn't call it being used," says Anna.


Dr. Phil questions her about wanting a child with Phillip. She explains that they've talked about it, but they know it's something they need to discuss further.

"Do you think this is fair to his wife?" Dr. Phil asks Anna.


"Absolutely not," she responds.


"So is it fair for her " who's been married to him 25 years, cleaned up after him when he's been sick, raised children with him, sacrificed with him, deals with the 'damn dailies' as I call them " and then you come in at the eleventh hour and provide a contrast to that, that's new and exciting and fun?"


"Well, is it fair for him to work like a dog and pay everything and be bitched out about it, be put down for everything he does and doesn't do " is that fair on his end?" Anna asks.


"That's between him and his wife and that's none of your business," responds Dr. Phil, and the audience applauds. Dr. Phil points out to Anna that she only knows what Phillip tells her, implying that she may not know the whole story. "You've got to be smarter than that," he says.


"I can look at all these people in the audience," says Anna, "and I can almost guarantee that almost all of them has had an affair in their life." When the audience reacts in disbelief, she calls them "naive."

Dr. Phil wants Anna to be realistic about her situation. "If he loved you and had all these things that you described him as " wonderful, sweet, amazing " then why is he living this deception with you and how could you ever trust him if you did get into a relationship with him?" he asks.
Anna replies that the feelings they have for each other evolved before they knew they were falling in love. "And how can you say, 'OK, I'm not in love anymore?'" she asks.


"But what do you mean you didn't plan that?" asks Dr. Phil, incredulous. "It's like it's almost, 'Oops, I'm in bed with a married man. I hate it when that happens.' I mean, you made a conscious choice."


Anna asks if Dr. Phil thinks it's bad to get involved with someone who is physically separated.


The audience groans in disbelief that she doesn't know the answer, but Dr. Phil offers to tell her what he thinks. "Number one: yes. Because I honestly believe that you've got to finish the business of one relationship before you get into another relationship even if it's a legitimate relationship."

Dr. Phil continues: "Number two, you stayed after you knew he had reconciled with his wife, and knew he was living with his wife, and knew he was living with his children. That makes you an interloper, and you aren't welcome and you don't belong."


"But I was in love with him at the time," Anna justifies.


"Well, part of being mature in life is knowing you don't always get what you want when you want it. When you're an adult, you have to learn to say no to yourself," says Dr. Phil, adding that the statistics of their relationship succeeding is less than 5 percent. "You are being used. You are wasting your time. There is no future here for you and you are intruding upon someone else's relationship turf. You are a trespasser. It is no different than being a thief in the night."


Anna agrees with Dr. Phil. "That's why I'm here because, as you can see, I'm justifying everything ... I'm in so deep with this guy I can't be objective, I can't see straight, and I don't know what's right or wrong anymore."


Dr. Phil tells Anna to continue listening to the rest of the show. Later, she concludes that she has more thinking to do before making a decision.