Is This Normal: Amber and Colin

Is This Normal: Amber and Colin

"It's not normal that my fiancé, Colin, flies off the handle one minute and is OK the next," Amber says.

"This is normal. Sometimes you do need to be rude," Colin says.

Amber has three children from a previous marriage, and an 11-month-old with Colin. "When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, it's ugly," Amber says. "Colin yells at the children. He uses phrases like, ‘Why do I have to tell you 100 ******* times.' ‘Just do it right the first time, and I won't be so pissed off.' He throws a lot of *-bombs. Colin blows up about little things: picking up their book bags, taking off their shoes."

"I've tried the Mr. Nice Guy approach, and it just doesn't work," he says. "I want them to listen to what they're told. I want them to do what they're told."

Amber does see his softer side. "Colin can be great with the kids. He goes to baseball practices. He has had a tea party with my daughter. Colin is very sweet to me. He opens doors for me," she says. But his other side is not pretty. "I have seen him be very rude to waitresses, customer service representatives â€¦"

"I just want my food the way I want it," Colin says about his restaurant experiences. As far as customer service goes, he admits, "I end up being rude and crude, and I tell them, ‘I need to speak to an American, or I'm going to hang up the ******* phone.' Normally, I am a happy-go-lucky guy. Most of the time, I'm me. This is the person she fell in love with."

"If Colin doesn't stop his rude behavior, I'm going to call off the wedding," Amber says. 

Dr. Phil asks about Colin's comment that he's only rude when it's called for. "Do you really believe that's called for " demeaning someone and calling them names?" he asks.

"I don't think that it's right, I just don't know any other way to do it right now because, like I said, I have tried the nice guy approach,
and it's having to repeat myself over, and over again and not getting help with the discipline," Colin says. "Every day I've got to tell them, ‘Take your shoes off at the door ... '"

"So you have to repeatedly tell kids things?" Dr. Phil asks.

"Right."

Dr. Phil makes a shocked face. "I mean, you were a kid!"

"I did what I was told," Colin says.

 

"Do you have an expectation that when you call somewhere for service, or when you tell kids something, or when you get in your car or whatever, that things are supposed to kind of mesh and fall into place?" Dr. Phil asks.

"No, I mean, I know that everything doesn't always go right every day, and life isn't always hunky-dory, but there are certain things that, in the household, you try to keep in order, to keep order in the house, because if not, the kids are running crazy," he says.

 

Dr. Phil goes over some of the comments that Colin makes in front of the kids. "‘What the * is the matter with you?' ‘Damn it, I told you a million times.' ‘What the * are you doing?' 'Don't you listen?'"

"Pretty much, yeah. I just don't know what else to do anymore," Colin says.  

"You've said that he yells at wait staff and stuff like that?" Dr. Phil asks Amber.

"He doesn't yell at them. He gets very impatient and has a condescending tone," she says.

"I bet you eat a lot of spit," Dr. Phil comments.

"Probably," Colin says.

 

Dr. Phil asks Amber, "You said you're thinking about calling off the wedding. You say he gets in your face, screams, yells and calls you a bitch. And so you're saying, ‘Do I want to sign up for this?'"

 

Amber nods. 

 

Dr. Phil brings up an incident that happened backstage right before the show, when Colin was swearing in front of Dr. Phil's staff, and threatening to leave. "You were upset backstage. Are we incompetent as well?" Dr. Phil asks him.

"No," he says.

Dr. Phil points out his staff member, whom Colin was rude to.

"At the time, I wanted to go home because I felt like she wasn't listening to anything I was saying, and it's either her way or no way," he says, referring to Amber.

"Well, it's apparently your way or no way," Dr. Phil says.

"I'm here, aren't I?" Colin asks. He turns and apologizes to the staff member. "I'm sorry if I offended you," he tells her. 

Colin tells Dr. Phil, "I know that I have a problem. I get angry a lot because things aren't going well ... That's why I came here, to find a solution to the problem, to see if there's anything I can do to not be so angry all the time."

"Here's the problem: It really doesn't work for you. It doesn't get you what you want. If it worked for you, you wouldn't have to repeatedly do it. You say, ‘These kids, they just won't learn.' Well, maybe it's because you just won't teach," Dr. Phil says.

 

Dr. Phil turns to Amber. "If you marry him before this is resolved, that would be a foolish decision. You absolutely should not do that," he tells her. He turns to Colin. "And the truth is, that this is not a difficult problem to solve, frankly, for a number of reasons. One, you are a very intelligent guy, and number two, despite all your crying about it and complaining about it, you are here, and you didn't have to be here. So you apparently are sincere in wanting to try to fix this situation. I assume what you're saying is if we showed you another way that showed results, you would embrace that and do it?"

"Yeah, definitely," Colin says. 

Dr. Phil wants Colin to recognize that the problem lies within himself, not with other people. "So, if you are willing, I'm going to arrange some things for you that will help you deal with this and get past it so you guys can be peaceful. And I predict that you will come back here and say, ‘That was much easier to resolve than I thought it was, and we are much more peaceful than I thought we could be.'"

They both say they will participate.