Let's Talk about Sex: Becki and Chris

Let's Talk about Sex: Becki and Chris


"Becki told me straight up when we first met that she wasn't like a lot of other women," Chris says of his wife. "She really didn't like sex. She didn't get a lot of enjoyment out of it, and I kind of took it as a challenge. I figured, 'Well, that's OK, I can work this out.'"

"My first and last orgasm was in 1998," says Becki. "It took about an hour to give me an orgasm, so then the next day I sent him a plant at work, to say thank you. Then after that we tried again. It took probably another 45 minutes, and I just felt that it was too long, and it was just a waste of time."

Chris says before they were married he felt lucky if he and Becki had sex once a week. Now, they haven't been intimate in over a year. Their two kids contribute to the problem by keeping the pair from being spontaneous.

"It's going to get hard when the kids get older, and we don't have the excuse," says Chris. "My sex drive's starting to decline."

"We live like friends, roommates. When I go to bed, he does not come into bed with me," says Becki. "I've bought him Playboy magazines so he'd have something to entertain himself with."

"Strange as it may seem," says Chris, "I thought it was considerate."

"I'm not doing anything for him, so I guess the magazine has to do it for him. We have no closeness, no intimacy, no sex," Becki explains. "My greatest fear is if I do not have sex with my husband that he will find somebody else."

"I saw a couple today walking down the sidewalk, holding hands and leaning into each other, and yeah, I miss that," says Chris. "I'm very willing to put in the time if she's willing to let me."

"I will give anything to achieve an orgasm with my husband," says Becki.

Dr. Phil asks Becki, "What effect has this had on you just in terms of the way you feel as a woman, as a partner, as a wife? What do you say to yourself about this?"

"That I'm a failure because I can't please him, make him happy."

Becki visits Dr. Masterson at her private clinic and receives a warm welcome. She has come for an examination to get to the root of her problem.

"Becki is a lovely lady," says Dr. Masterson. "She is expressing something that a lot of my patients are concerned about, which is orgasm and pain during intercourse. I have a lot of hope for this woman. I think we'll definitely be able to address her problem, if not fix it."

Dr. Masterson begins her examination by asking a battery of questions about Becki's situation, including her concerns about whether her anatomy could be keeping her from having an orgasm.
Next, she conducts a full gynecological exam.

"So far, everything looks good," says Dr. Masterson, "and we're waiting for the results to put the whole picture together."

"I have mixed feelings leaving this office because I'm not sure what's going to happen next," says Becki.

Back in his studio, Dr. Phil asks, "So what does happen? What did you find, what did you learn, what things did you rule out and rule in?"

"We drew her blood," Dr. Masterson says, turning to Becki, "and the good news is your female hormone, estrogen, was absolutely normal, the prolactyn was absolutely normal. That's the one that's responsible for breast milk but can also decrease libido. That was absolutely normal, so you are a healthy, absolutely normal, wonderful woman " who has a problem that a lot of my patients have. And one of the reasons you had an orgasm once " and it was with oral intercourse, right? And you haven't done that again, right?"

"And you feel self-conscious about it," Dr. Phil interjects, "is the reason you haven't done it again."

"Right," says Becki.

"OK, so, I'm letting you know that everything's normal," says Dr. Masterson. "You can try that again, but most women do not orgasm with penetrative sex. You really need clitoral stimulation, or nipple stimulation, so some kind of friction, so changing positions, maybe going back to the oral intercourse. I have great hopes if you all just spend the time, and get to know your body, and feel comfortable with your body, that you will get there."

Becki appears disappointed. She gestures to a previous guest, Robin, seated in the audience. "I wish I heard her news, because I don't want to have sex either," she says."

"OK, but you heard us talk before about the fact that a lot of times there are physiological and psychological things that combine," says Dr. Phil. "You have all kinds of concerns that make this an anxiety-filled situation for you, right? This isn't something you look forward to, like, 'Oh, great, let's do it!'"

Dr. Phil continues, "What you've got to be willing to do is say, 'OK, we're going to start out with a plan,' where we can see if we can come up with a way to go about this, where it does become rewarding for you, where you do enjoy the closeness, the intimacy, the togetherness, because you've got a really willing and committed partner here, right?

"Yes, thank God," says Becki.

"Because, if it's been a year, a lot of guys would be kind of saying, 'Look, you're going to have to scratch my ears every once in a while,' you know. It's been a year, and he's saying, 'No problem. I'm willing to do that.' If we came up with a plan to kind of get the anxiety out, the tension out, some positive imagery and expectations into the situation even to the point of learning sexual techniques, would you be willing to explore some of that to see " not that you want to do it " but to see if you could then want to do it after you got some of the negatives out?"

"Yeah. I'm just afraid that it won't work," she says.

"But you don't know that. What else have you got to do?" asks Dr. Phil. "I mean really, the next year's going to go by whether you work on this or you don't, so you might as well work on it, right?"

"Right," says Becki. "It's just my head. It's always going."

"Yeah, but we'll work on that," says Dr. Phil, "so this can be kind of an oasis for you to calm down and relax and allow yourself to let go."