Letting Go of Love: Trina

Letting Go of Love: Trina
Dr. Phil talks to a woman who lives with her ex-boyfriend and doesn't know if she should move on.
"I've been involved with my ex-boyfriend almost three years," says Trina. "When I first met him, he was living with another woman. I really didn't care. I mean, he was so much fun to be around, so it was more of a physical thing."

Trina fell in love with him, and then he broke the news that the other woman was pregnant. "It didn't matter because he was going to stay with me," says Trina. But after the baby was born, he left to be with the other woman and his son. Even though Trina tried breaking it off with him, she says, "The attraction that I had for him was still very strong. He's tall, he's very muscular, he's got gorgeous blue eyes. He tells me just how much he misses me and how much he's got to be with me, and then you know, one thing would lead to another. He's my weakness and he knows he is," she says.

Then Trina got pregnant with his son. "In my heart I knew that he wasn't going to take care of his responsibilities and that I was going to have to take care of him on my own," she says, getting emotional. "I definitely feel like I've gotten played."
Still, Trina couldn't resist her ex when he would come over to see their baby. "I wanted to have our old relationship back," she says. "Well, now I'm four months pregnant with twins. I'm heartbroken because I love him. And I want him to be a part of our lives."

Looking at the future, she says, "Now I have three kids, no house, no husband, no security. I think about my situation and I'm devastated. He definitely has some kind of power over me. Dr. Phil, how do I get over my relationship with my ex so my children can have a relationship with their father?"
"What goes through your mind when you say, 'OK, I'm having this relationship with this guy who is living with somebody else'?" asks Dr. Phil. After questioning her standards and his integrity, he pries, "Do the words 'birth control' mean anything to you?"

"I was on birth control, Dr. Phil. I was. He has like kryptonite in his sperm or something," she says.

"So twice this supersperm has overcome your birth control? Two times?" asks Dr. Phil doubtfully.

"Right."

"You're going to have your own baseball team if you don't stop hanging with this guy ... Would you agree that this guy is flawed? He's got a character flaw, right?" asks Dr. Phil.

"Yes, he does," agrees Trina.

"He doesn't have the ability to be monogamous. He doesn't have the ability to make a commitment and stick to it ... So what you're doing is you're settling. You're compromising," says Dr. Phil.
"What I want to know is, what is it about you that causes you to settle for somebody that you know will cheat on you, know will lie to you, know will make a commitment and then break it?" asks Dr. Phil. "What is it about you that you believe about yourself that you're willing to settle for that?"

"Well, I don't like to think that I'm not worthy. I think I am worthy of being loved by somebody who is just going to love me and be faithful to me. But I want that to be him — kind of," she says.

"No you don't. You know what you want? You want to be in love with the person you wish he was," says Dr. Phil.

"Exactly," says Trina. "Exactly."

"And do you ever notice? There are times when you break up with somebody and you start missing them and you start thinking about all the good things. And then you're back with them for about 10 minutes and you go, 'Oh, yeah! Now I remember why I hate you!' Isn't that true?"
"And that's the part where I get really mad and then I hate him," says Trina.

"OK, you need to hang on to that part," says Dr. Phil.

"I don't know how to hang on to that part."

"You do know how," Dr. Phil tells her. "You now have three children. And the chances of him being responsible in those three children's lives doesn't look good. Because like I said, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So the chance that he's going to ride in on his white horse and do the right thing is pretty slim. You've got to set a standard and say, 'I'm not just making these choices for myself now; I'm making them for my child.' As long you are obsessed with this guy, you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order."

Dr. Phil explains, "I think that sometimes people hide in these relationships. You hide in this relationship with this guy so you don't have to face the reality. You now have three children at a very young age. And you're thinking, 'Well, who is going to want me with three children strapped to my leg?' Well, you know what? Maybe nobody. I doubt that, because I've got a sneaking suspicion that there are a lot of people who would like to share their lives with you, because you are a beautiful, intelligent, vibrant, young and healthy woman and I think you have a lot to offer someone. But you will never do that as long as you're lowering your standards to let this guy come in and exploit you."Dr. Phil continues: "And now, he's not only exploiting you, he's exploiting your children because he's got your life on hold. You've got to not just say no, but 'Hell, no! Get out of my life. Stay away from me. Don't call me.' Change your cell phone. Do what you have to do."

The audience applauds.

"But what do I do about my children?" asks Trina.

"What you do about your children is you get yourself a good lawyer and you go down and you get a paternity determination, you get child support and just see if he's as much of a man in taking care of
his children as he is in creating them," says Dr. Phil. "You have to protect yourself, you have to protect your children. And the first thing is you start by telling yourself 'no,' making him accountable, and then start setting some goals and start putting your life back together. And you can do this — you're a bright, intelligent woman."

"Thank you," she says.