Love Smart Island: First Impressions

Love Smart Island: First Impressions

When Dr. Phil asks the men which women they thought were nice but gave a bad first impression, they all say Michelle and Teresa. Dr. Phil sits down and speaks with the women about what they are doing wrong when it comes to dating.

"They said the first impression that the two of you gave was not a warm and welcome first impression, not even friendly," Dr. Phil tells them. He asks, "Did you like any of them?"

"I liked them all. They were nice guys," Michelle says, surprised to hear what the men had to say.

"What they said about you is that you're coming across as, 'Yes,' 'No,' 'Excuse me,' 'I have to go,'" Dr. Phil tells Michelle. "Was
that the message you intended to send?"

"Not intentionally, no," Michelle replies.

Referring to Michelle being picky about her men, Dr. Phil asks, "Can you dig deeper and find out if there's something there, instead of quick, cut their throat right now?"

"It's something that I'm doing," Michelle recognizes.

 

When Dr. Phil acknowledges that most women would pass him up if they saw him, Michelle says, "Not if they sat and talked to you for five minutes."

"But you don't," Dr. Phil points out. "You decide ahead of time."

Dr. Phil turns his attention to Teresa. "What they have said is, 'We really want to get to know her, but boy, it's like there's a huge stop sign up that she'll never really make eye contact and talk to you about her,'" he tells her.

"I'm really shy," Teresa admits.

"The feedback that they're giving is that you are totally uninterested, make no effort

whatsoever, give no information whatsoever, and so they come away with a huge rejection experience," Dr. Phil explains, noting that a man's number one fear is rejection. "So when you do engage, engage consciously to say, 'That's not the impression I want to leave.'" Even if the women have no interest in the man they are speaking with, they should still make him feel good about himself for having the interaction. "That is an element in the formula for success."

Michelle says that the women on the trip would say she made them all feel like that. "I like them all. I'm very personable, and they walk away going, 'Wow, she took the time to get to know me,' and I don't do that with the guys at all," she acknowledges.

Dr. Phil explains that there are mostly women on the trip because he wanted them to recognize the skills they use to interact with each other that they don't use with the men.

"That's been a big one," Michelle says.

"Light bulb," Teresa agrees.

Dr. Phil asks Michelle why it was so much easier for her to interact with the women than with the men.

"It's much easier to make friends than to see if someone will be attracted to you romantically," she reveals.

"You have less fear of rejection if just with the girls," Dr. Phil clarifies.

Teresa agrees. "I'm a girl's girl," she says.

"What's the different click in your head when it involves a guy?" Dr. Phil asks Teresa. "You said, 'If I'm interested in someone, my IQ goes to zero.'"

"Yeah, I have no social skills whatsoever when it comes to men," Teresa says.

Dr. Phil explains, "This experiment within an experiment is to recognize we have the skills, we just use them in a situation-specific way," he says.

Michelle says, "I'm not picking the girls apart. When I meet them, I don't immediately want to find out everything wrong with them. When I meet the guys, that's immediately what I want to do."

"Why?" Dr. Phil asks.

"I don't know if it's a protective shield, or maybe you're not going to like me eventually, so let me not like you first," Michelle replies.

 

"Everybody has a strategy, whether it's conscious or otherwise," Dr. Phil says, "and one of your strategies is, 'Get them before they get me.' But that's not working."

Dr. Phil suggests each of the women create a strategy before they meet men. "One of the things I say you've got to figure out is what I call your sound bite,"

he tells them. Before they go meet someone, they should figure out what they want him to know about them after their conversation. "If you have that worked out in advance, so you don't have to think on your feet, do you think you would do better?"

Teresa responds. "I think I should be pursued. I don't believe in pursuing a man."

"Guys are just like you," Dr. Phil points out, reiterating that a guy's number one fear is rejection. "If you picked one of these guys and you started asking them questions about themselves and who they are and what they like and what they do, that's a good way to make them feel good about being with you. A really good strategy is to deal with
people in a way that they feel better about themselves when you walk away then they did when you walked up." He asks the women if they are creating a different experience than they want.

"It's a possibility," Teresa says.

Michelle says that after she had the conversation on the island with Dr. Phil, she approached things differently, "It was a better game plan," she says.