My Fiance is a Stalker: Linda

A Mother's Terror

Amber's mother, Linda, tells why she's concerned for her daughter and granddaughter.

"Before Amber met Ken, she was outgoing and fun. I see my daughter hurting. She cries a lot. She's depressed a lot. He can be one person and within an hour change into another person. He's scary, and he's forceful. I see rage in his eyes," she says.

Linda describes an incident that frightened her. "He came over and wanted to see Amber, and Amber didn't want to see him. I went to close the door, and he put his foot in the door and shoved me out of the way and came in the house anyway. Amber locked herself in the bathroom. Ken pounded on the door. She was screaming, 'Go away.'"


She has also witnessed his stalking. "Ken has followed Amber and I to the mall. I think Ken needs professional help. I'm so afraid that if she were to move in with him, that he would want her locked in this apartment, with no friends, no communication. I am terrified that Ken will hurt Amber or the baby with his rage. The baby has seen a lot of these fights. She doesn't understand. It scares her. Ken is very rough with the baby. It really makes me very nervous. I want him out of their lives."

Linda tells Dr. Phil, "I'm scared every day. I don't know what is going to happen. I don't trust him. When he goes into a rage, he can do anything."

"Are you out of control?" Dr. Phil asks Ken.

"I can be, yes," he says. "I don't know how to control it when it gets to that point, once I start getting upset. We can talk, we can work things out, we can communicate, but there are certain times that I can't stop myself."

"Isn't it true that there were times when your intention was to hurt her?" Dr. Phil asks.

"No, I would never hurt Amber. I've never hit her. I never would," he says.

"So you do have control. You do have limits," he says. "You do have the ability to limit your rage. If you're saying, 'I will slam doors, knock out windshields, punch holes in walls, throw cell phones, yell, scream, cuss people out, but I've never thought of actually hurting her'... then you obviously have some control."

"I just want to have some time with her and the baby," says Ken.

"Given your conduct, given the way you have managed yourself in this relationship, do you deserve access to this woman and child?" asks Dr. Phil.

"I mean, it's my child too. I don't know why I'm being denied that. I feel like you're telling me like it's not my child," he says, turning to his fiancée. "I mean, Amber what do you think? Do you think I deserve to be around you and the baby?"

"Why don't you answer my question first? I understand that you control her," says Dr. Phil.


"I want to be there, to be a father, yes," says Ken. 'I want nothing more than to be a father and start a family."

"You want nothing more than to be a father. Do you think a father does what you're doing?" asks Dr. Phil.

"I have never done anything to the baby. That's the truth," he says.

 

Amber speaks up. "What you do to me is doing stuff to the baby. That is damaging the baby. Treating me the way you do affects her, it affects me, it affects the way I treat her. I can't be a good enough mother when you treat me the way you do," she says.

"OK. So, I guess not," Ken tells Dr. Phil. "I don't deserve it ... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to control my anger when I get upset. I don't know how to turn it off. I don't know how to not get angry. I don't know how to communicate with her because every time I try to start a conversation, it's, 'I don't want to talk right now.'"

"You don't run the agenda all the time," Dr. Phil tells him. "You don't get to pick when she talks, when she feels like sharing her emotions, when she spends time with you, and when she doesn't. This is a woman who has the right to be with you or not."

"When I ask her if she doesn't want to be with me, she'll tells me she loves me and she just wants to be with me and work it out," argues Ken.

Amber tells him, "There is a difference on a daily basis, and the relationship as a whole."

"That's what I don't understand," he says. "She'll say, on a daily basis, 'I don't want to be with you this day, I do want to be with you next day, but maybe not Thursday or Friday, but on a whole, yeah, I would like to be with you.' How does that work? That doesn't make sense."



Amber responds. "My feelings about whether or not I would like to be with you on any given day are directly related to how I was recently treated. If I felt respected, if I felt happy, if I felt like I had a good time, and that you treated me well the last time I saw you, I'm going to want to see you again as soon as possible. But if I felt disrespected, and put down, just brutalized emotionally, then I am not excited to see you. I'm not like, 'Yay, let's do this again.'"

"Does that clear up the confusion?" asks Dr. Phil.

"OK, if she's talking about on a daily basis, yes, I understand, but why do you want to be with me on the whole?" Ken asks Amber.


"It's the good times that keep me around. There's just enough to keep me there," she says.

Dr. Phil brings up Ken's non-stop interrogations about what Amber is doing and with whom. "Do you get that she has the right not to tell you if she doesn't want to tell you?"

"Yes."

"And not be beleaguered with 20 or 30 phone calls, being searched out, sought out and stalked where you find her, and come in and have a confrontation. Do you get that she has the right not to do that?"

"Yes," says Ken.

"Here's the thing: You command respect, you don't demand it. You don't say, 'You do what I want you to do when I want you to do it.' What you do is you inspire openness, you inspire trust, you inspire being together, you inspire people to want to do things with you. You don't demand it like a tyrannical 2-year-old kid ... That doesn't inspire people to want to be with you. Do you get that?"

"Yeah, that makes perfect sense," he says.