Obsessive Love, Part 2: Jen

Obsessive Love, Part 2: Jen

Pointing to Jennifer's image on a big screen Dr. Phil says to her, "Just look at yourself. What do you see?"

"I see somebody in a lot of pain," she says, emotionally. "Somebody who doesn't know what to do and doesn't know where to turn."

"Doesn't she deserve better?" Dr. Phil asks.

"Yeah, I do," Jennifer replies.

 

"Let me go through a list of things that I want you to hear and know," Dr. Phil says to Jennifer. "Number one: This is not your fault. OK? This is not your fault. It's not your fault. Number two: It isn't fair. You shouldn't have to be dealing with this. You shouldn't have to be bundling your kids up and taking them to

a shelter if that's what it comes to. You shouldn't have to be putting up with this. You didn't do anything to deserve this. It isn't your fault. There is no way he can justify his behavior by your conduct." 

Dr. Phil continues. "Abusers abuse because of them, not because of you," he reiterates. "This is good news and bad news. The good news is this doesn't have anything to do with you. And the reason that's good news is, therefore you don't need to blame yourself. The bad news is this doesn't have anything to do with you, which means you can't fix him. You can't fix him because it's not like, 'If I'll just be a better wife. If I'll just be more loving and attentive and responsive. If I'll just stay pregnant the rest of my life' " that wouldn't work. You've done it right."



Jennifer says that she's tried to be more physical with Jeffrey. "Even against what I feel inside, I've tried to hold his hand more and be nicer and to do nicer things, so that he'll stop," she says, crying. "I know it's not me, and this is all way before I ever arrived that this stuff was in him."

 

Dr. Phil reiterates that Jeffrey's actions have nothing to do with Jennifer's behaviors. "This has to do with his anxiety, his lack of self-esteem, his fear about control. He feels out of control in his life and his world, and his thought is if he controls you, then he will feel orderly inside," he tells her. "This isn't love that does this. Do you get that?"

"I know that," Jennifer says.

 

"He might not even like you," Dr. Phil points out. 

"He'll criticize everything I do, and say, and how I act, but then he tells me, 'Oh, I love you so much,'" Jennifer says. "'Why are you trying so hard to keep me when you don't even like me?'"

 

"He is trying to keep you, because you represent to him order in his world. If he feels like he's in control of you, then he has this misperception, this distortion, that he is in control of the world," Dr. Phil explains. "But while he's trying to control you, where's his business? In the ditch. Everything is falling down around him, because he's focused and obsessed on you."

"The number one tool of the abuser is to isolate their victim," Dr. Phil says. "They've got to cut you off from family, cut you off from friends, cut you off from church, cut you off from the outside world, because then they've got you."


"And that's what he's done," Jennifer says.

 

"He came here because in his delusions he thought he could control me," Dr. Phil says. "He needs help. He needs serious help, and I'm trying to give him a wake-up call, as you can well see."

 

Dr. Phil offers Jennifer support. "If and when you do want to get out of this situation, you are no longer alone," he says. "You're looking at your partner ... You are no longer isolated. You have help here." 

 

When Dr. Phil asks for her thoughts and feelings, through tears Jennifer says, "[I'm] relieved that there's somebody else who gives a crap to step in, because I've lost all my friends. My parents live thousands of miles away from me and don't have the resources to help me."

 

Dr. Phil tells Jennifer that he is going to go backstage and talk with Jeffrey.