Out of the Dog House: Dyson and Rebecca

"I'm Like a Superhero"

Dyson and Rebecca came to see Dr. Phil because their eight-month marriage was in jeopardy. Although he had cheated on her numerous times in their relationship, Rebecca thought Dyson's behavior would change once they got married. But it wasn't long before she worried that her talent, intelligence and looks weren't enough keep her husband faithful. Her suspicions were confirmed when she learned that he cheated with multiple women after they got married. Dyson argued with Dr. Phil and stormed off stage.

"His cockiness and his arrogance were rather shocking," Rebecca said after the show. "If there's any hope in this marriage at all, he needs to have an assessment. I have an 18-year-old daughter that tends to act about 25 years older than her father does."

Backstage, Dyson said that he'll be willing to get counseling, but sarcastically added, "What do they tell you? Everything derives

from your childhood, and you weren't hugged enough from Mommy and Daddy. I know that, OK, great."

Rebecca wonders if her husband may have a chemical imbalance, like ADD or bipolar disorder, which may explain why he does what he does.
So, Dyson went to the Lawlis Peavey PNP Center for a thorough neuro-assessment.

"I really do want to save our marriage," says Dyson. "It's really important to me and she's my best friend. The only reason I'm going back to the Dr. Phil show is to save our marriage. He's definitely not one of my favorite guys."

Dyson tells Dr. Phil, "I'm here now, and I want to make a change. I mean, I can tell that just through my past experience, as I'm getting older, it's not as fun as it once used to be. That's why I said, in five or 10 years I'll probably be pretty perfect. Maybe even sooner than that. Well, not perfect, but I'll have most of the stuff figured out, I'll have a lot of stuff figured out by then."

"Well, yeah, my theory is that that can happen a lot sooner than four or five years," says Dr. Phil. "Here's what I want to do. You are willing to stay in this marriage and work on it, right?" he asks Rebecca.

"Absolutely," Rebecca says.

"Is there a point at which you would say, ‘Enough is enough'? Or can he just continue to do this forever more?" Dr. Phil asks.

"This is the point. Enough is enough now, and he knows that," she says.

"I'm not trying to start trouble, but I want you to be clear, and I want you to be clear so you can make an informed decision about what you do going forward," Dr. Phil says.

Dr. Phil has Dyson's results from his evaluations at the Lawlis Peavey PNP Center. "Now, you understand that what I'm getting ready to say " good, bad, indifferent " this is just information. It's not an excuse. It's not something that says, ‘Oh, well, if I can catch that, I can run around on my wife and get a free pass.' That's not what this is about at all. Now, f
irst off, ADD: absolutely not," Dr. Phil informs them. "Absolutely not. It also indicates that you tend to be highly intelligent, and very sociable."

Rebecca agrees.

"What we did find is that you show some strong tendencies toward obsessive-compulsive-type thought, behavior and rumination," Dr. Phil explains. "You'll just get something in your head and you're very obsessed with it and you have a difficult time getting it out. There's also an indication that your capacity for insight " that is to predict the impact of the things you say and do, to look at yourself honestly and understand your ownership " is very, very low. That you tend to bully and dominate people if they allow it. That you have a problem with anger " particularly if you can't manipulate a situation, you can't get people to say or do what you want them to say or do. You have a tendency to fly off the handle and have anger outbursts, which exactly predicts why you stormed off the stage. Insecurity is a huge issue with you. Through every test that you were given, insecurity was a huge issue with you, and you tend to cover it with arrogance and a false sense of superiority, and seek validation from other people almost all the time. Somebody's got to tell you you're smart. Somebody's got to tell you you're good looking. A woman has got to say she's interested in you. You're like a sponge, soaking all that up because you have real problems with insecurity."

"How am I doing so far?" Dr. Phil asks Dyson.

"Doesn't everybody seek validation from people?" Dyson asks. "All the time, in everything we do."

"No. No, they don't," Dr. Phil tells him. "And you do it to a dysfunctional level in terms of you really need to know that you can have that woman's interest if you want it. Even if you don't want it, you need that validation. The indication was that you have an immature level of thinking and problem solving, a very low level of impulse control, and that you deal with a lot of guilt and sadness every day in your life."

Dyson cries mockingly, and then says, "I guess, I mean, everybody has sadness, everybody has things in their childhood they were messed up about. We're all damaged in some way."

"Well, we're not talking about everybody, we're talking about you," Dr. Phil says.

"OK. You're telling me like it's groundbreaking news," he says.

"No, I'm just telling you what it is. You asked for the evaluation, I did it, and I'm giving you the results, but you seem to be threatened by part of it, because you're trying to deflect it," Dr. Phil says.

"I'm not threatened, just, tell me what " OK. If that's your assessment, then OK, fine, we'll go with that," Dyson replies. "I just don't think I'm your stereotypical insecure, you know, I need women's validation. I don't need that."

"Well, that goes back to point number one which is your capacity for insight into yourself is very low, because I think that is a driving force with you," Dr. Phil points out.

"I get like a rush from it, but I don't get my validation from it," Dyson says. "It's like a game, you know?"

"But why would you play that game instead of some other?" Dr. Phil asks.

"Because that one's funnest? I mean, everybody has their passions, the things that get their juices flowing. Some people it's architecture, some people it's art or whatever, and that's mine," Dyson explains.

"Yeah, but the reason that rings your bell, the reason that that is fun, is because it scratches an itch," Dr. Phil says. "I mean, that's a need that you have. That's why you do that. And the truth is that you're really, in my opinion, selling yourself way short, because I think there's a whole lot more to you than your ability to impress some woman. I think there's a whole lot more to your intellect, your depth, your personality, your role as a father. There are so many things that you kind of don't even put on the list, but you're actually very, you're actually very good in those areas."



"He's one of the brightest people I've ever met," Rebecca adds.

"You're a very loving and committed father," Dr. Phil says.

"Well, I'm a big kid myself, so it's easy for me to relate to," Dyson says.

"
OK, now we're getting some insight," Dr. Phil tells him. "People hide behind humor and sarcasm sometimes if it kind of gets a little close, like, ‘Oh, my mommy and daddy didn't hug me enough, so OK, I'm messed up, ha, ha, ha.' But actually, that's true. Actually, your father was not a kind person to you, was he?"

Dyson shakes his head no.

Dr. Phil continues, "And your mother didn't protect you as much as she could've and should've, and I think that has a significant impact on the fact that you were absent a role model that could really set the standards for you. You know, we learn what we live, and the most powerful role model in any child's life is the same-sex parent, and with you, there was kind of a void there. So you were kind of left to your own devices to figure out what to do. And then there's Mom who says, ‘I hate that he's doing you this way, but I've got to go,' and what happens is that your emotional development stops. It kind of arrests at a certain level … If you had the view of you that I do and Rebecca does, we'd be halfway home. Because we see the other aspects of who you are. If you could see yourself through your children's eyes, instead of some chick you pick up somewhere or you flirt with, you would go, ‘I am a superhero because of what I give to them.'"

 

Dyson refers to his wife. "I know she sees, and she makes me want to be a better person. And 99.9 percent of women would not put up with half of the stuff that she's put up with," he says.

Dr. Phil recommends Dyson to define success as a man. "That has to do with well, 'How good of a husband am I? How good of a father am I?' I'm proud of the role I'm setting there. I'm proud of the fact that I treat my wife behind closed doors as well as anybody in the world could possibly treat her. It's not just when people are watching, but I'm nice, I treat her with dignity and respect. She can hold her head up and feel good. That happens if you expand your definition, not just how virile you are, or how handsome you think you are, or how engaging you might be," Dr. Phil tells him.

"You start looking at those things and you just broaden your definition, and the truth is, these obsessive-compulsive things, your brain is actually altered, which means neurologically, the anxiety or compulsive thought is changing your neurological patterns, and that can be altered, which will wake up your reasoning centers where you can predict the consequences of your actions a little better," Dr. Phil tells him.

 

Dr. Phil acknowledges that Dyson doesn't like marriage

counseling, but reminds him that their relationship has gotten stronger when they've had counseling in the past. He tells Rebecca, "You have to stand up for yourself and require the kind of partner that you want, need and deserve." He tells Dyson, "And you need to stand up against yourself and require yourself to do the things that you need to do, and require from her what you need from her. This is a partnership."

Dr. Phil offers to get them professional counseling. They accept.