Rami and Allyson: What Are You Really Mad About?

Rami and Allyson: What Are You Really Mad About?
Dr. Phil talks to a husband who loses his temper and yells at his wife because she hasn't risen to his standard of perfection.
Rami and Allyson

"Rami is a very angry man," explains his wife Allyson. "He yells at me every day. His tone in communicating with me is as if he's talking to one of his children. He'll say I'm useless and he doesn't need me ... He almost has me believing that there is something wrong with me. He points his finger, and his eyes get all big and round, and you can't calm him down. I really don't want our children growing up with an angry father. I told him that I couldn't live in this environment, that I was going to leave. Dr. Phil, why is my husband so mad?"

"I've called her 'stupid' and 'ignorant,'" admits Rami, who says his anger is a reaction to Allyson not being "more clean around the house." He also believes that their 2-year-old son, RJ, is too young to be affected by his yelling.
Although Rami admits he is embarrassed about his anger, he says he can't stop it. "I reach a point where I don't care," he explains.

Dr. Phil tells Allyson, "This doesn't have anything to do with you. You can't do the laundry good enough or put away the dishes fast enough ... This is not in reaction to you."

Rami interrupts, "But I don't just yell at her for anything ... The things that I yell at her for are things that happen over and over and over."

"First off, you ain't her daddy!" says Dr. Phil. He goes on to read Rami's list of gripes with Allyson, which include complaints about dishes in the sink, laundry left in the washing machine, etc. "You need to get over yourself," says Dr. Phil. "If this is getting you all bent out of shape, then you either don't have enough to do, you take yourself way too seriously, or somebody told you along the way that the world was supposed to revolve around your schedule. You're intolerant of anything other than that."
"I just want things to be right," says Rami. "If you take your clothes off, put them away. If you use a dish, put it in the dishwasher."

"I'm trying to give you a wake-up call," says Dr. Phil. "I mean, really, Romeo. How much fun do you think you are to live with?"

"Probably not much fun," admits Rami. "I'm a little demanding. I grew up in a house where everything was clean, the food was prepared for us ... I mean, my mom did everything for us. I've even told Allyson that maybe I'm trying to hold her to a higher standard, like my mom's standard."

"Your mom didn't have your children," says Dr. Phil. "Your mom doesn't share your life now with this family. That was then. This is now ... You said something that astounded me. You said you know that you yell, but that you don't think it's affecting your son."
Dr. Phil plays a clip that shows Rami's 2-year-old son trying to cover his dad's mouth while he yells at Allyson.

"He doesn't have the word power to say, 'Daddy, please stop yelling at Mommy. You're scaring me and hurting me,'" explains Dr. Phil. "So what he does is he puts his little arm up and takes his little hand and tries to cover your mouth. Is there any part of that picture that you don't understand?"

"No," says Rami. "But when I lose it, I lose it. I just don't care."

"That is an excuse," says Dr. Phil. "You are an intelligent, mature individual and you make choices in your life. Somewhere along the way, you have given yourself permission to not show restraint in these situations ... If you're ever going to stop this long-term, you've got to get to the root of what you're really mad about. You're saying you want her to just raise the bar and perform better and then you won't have to do this."
Dr. Phil asks Rami, "Did your parents approve of this marriage?"

"Not initially," admits Rami. He goes on to explain that although they have a good relationship with his parents now, they had originally wanted him to marry an Arabic woman, because they are of Arabic descent.

"For a respectful and obedient son, that disapproval can weigh heavily on you," says Dr. Phil. "It can give you a sense of shame and failure for disappointing your parents. And it can make you hypercritical of your partner ... that she's not good enough."

Dr. Phil continues, "You didn't marry a second-class citizen. And you can't treat her like a second-class citizen ... You've got to be proud of your woman here!"

"I agree," says Rami. "I love her to death."

Dr. Phil advises Rami, "Let me get you to add one thing to your definition of success as a man: how well you treat your wife when nobo