Relationship Rescue Retreat: Parental Legacy: Deanna and Rob

Relationship Rescue Retreat: Parental Legacy: Deanna and Rob
Dr. Phil continues his intense workshop with six couples on the verge of divorce.
Deanna stands before Dr. Phil during the retreat. "Tell me about the pain you need to leave here," Dr. Phil says.

"I'm mad that I can't control my eating, my anger, that I can't meet my own expectations," says Deanna.

"So why do you blast him for it?" Dr. Phil asks, referring to Rob.

"Because I don't want to look at myself," she says.

"Well, you're looking at yourself now. What do you think?"

"I don't like it," admits Deanna.

"You wake up at night and you think of all the things that you can be critical about so you don't have to look at you, because one thing we know is if you're reaming his ass, you're giving you a break," says Dr. Phil. "What if, now I'm just speculating, what if you're not so bad after all?"

"I don't want to believe I am," says Deanna.

Dr. Phil presses, "You, in fact, have him totally castrated, don't you? And when he tries to do something good, you find fault in it."
Dr. Phil continues: "He has had to drag you physically out of the room to keep you from yelling and screaming and fighting in front of the kids. True?"

"Yes, it's true," Deanna admits.

"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news for you," Dr. Phil tells her. "The bad news is you make that conscious choice to do that in front of the kids. The good news is you can choose differently. You can say, 'No more.' And you've got to get straight with you before you'll ever get straight with Rob."

Dr. Phil turns to Rob and asks him what his buddy, Mike, who also has a history with alcohol, has helped him with.

"I need to face up to a drinking problem," says Rob.

Mike says Rob was honest with him about his problem. "I told him my experience and how it didn't work. I've felt his pain. I've been through it, and it can be the same without drink or with," says Mike.

"Do you want to get your drinking under control?" Dr. Phil asks Rob.

"Yes," Rob admits. He says it's a priority problem for him, and he knows it would change his marriage.
"Why do you drink?" Dr. Phil asks Rob.

"Numb the pain," he says.

"Tell me what went through your mind and heart the split second you knew your father had died," Dr. Phil says.

"All I wanted to do was drink myself into an oblivion, so I can forget that day, that month, that year," explains Rob.

"Do you miss him?"

"Tremendously," he says.

"But you've never let yourself grieve, have you? Sometimes it can just seem like why love them because you're just going to lose them, right?" Dr. Phil asks.

Rob agrees.

Dr. Phil asks him if he's afraid he'll lose his wife as well.

"Yeah. I'm afraid I'll lose everything," says Rob.
"You flirt with it all the time," Dr. Phil tells Rob. He turns Deanna toward her husband. "Tell her what it would do to you if you lost her."

Rob looks at Deanna. "Absolutely destroy me. I don't know how I would exist without you. You've always been in my life. Since I was a kid."

"Tell her how many times you think about reaching out and touching her, and don't," says Dr. Phil

"Every morning I think about reaching out to you," says Rob.

Dr. Phil turns to Deanna. "If you are such a bad person, if you are so worthless, why are you so important to him?"

"I'm not worthless. I'm not a bad person," says Deanna, crying.

"You're not," Rob whispers.
After the retreat, Rob and Deanna check in with Dr. Phil, and both say things are much better at home.

"She has made great strides," Rob says of his wife. "Fighting in front of the kids " we don't do that anymore. And I can see a physical change in our kids. They look forward to being with us, all the time."

Dr. Phil points out that Rob has been going to counseling with a pastor. "And the one thing I want to say to both of you is be patient with yourself, and be patient with each other. Your drinking served a purpose for you, it was medication ... You now need to do what I feel is important, which is deal with psychological issues psychologically ... You were drinking instead of dealing with it. And you can't do that."

Dr. Phil encourages them to be patient with each other. "You've got 15 years invested in this, and I think you've made huge strides forward."