Self-Defeating Games: Chip and Sandi

Chip and Sandi
Dr. Phil talks to feuding families and friends who want to bury the hatchet and settle their disputes.
"I could probably count it on one hand the number of times he's told us 'Ilove you,'" says Sandi of her husband Chip, who's a goal-oriented geophysicist.

"He yells a lot," says Sandi, "and some of the language he uses gets real inappropriate." Sandi says Chip is condescending, and she's concerned about how he interacts with their three kids.


"I am condescending," admits Chip. "I am not emotional in terms of expressing my affection for them on a continuous basis."

Men tend to be more logical, he believes, while women are emotional. "Do you equate emotional and irrational?" asks Dr. Phil.

"At times, yes," answers Chip.

"What are you afraid will happen to you if you let the emotional side come out?" asks Dr. Phil. "Is sitting on the floor and telling your children that you love them, is that being a slacker?"

"Yeah, I'm not doing something that needs to be done in terms of fixing things or stuff that's on my To-Do list," says Chip.

The games Chip plays — not playing at all and judging — are based on fear, explains Dr. Phil.

"By hiding behind judgments, and by deciding that emotions and intuitions and reactivity are inferior, you're missing some amazing strength and resources in your life that you need," says Dr. Phil. "Quit trying to change your wife instead of letting her be who she is."

"When I married my wife, I thought she was cute and fun," says Dr. Phil. Then, "I saw her when her mother died, and I saw breadth and strength and courage. I saw her when our son had a life-threatening illness at 4 weeks old, and I saw strength and courage and power ... I saw her when she ministered to my mother when I lost my father. I realized, Oh, my God."

"Don't miss out on what you've got another day in your life," he tells Chip.