Sex Wars: A Year Without Sex
Dr. Phil talks to a married couple struggling with the fact that they haven't been intimate for a year.
"I've been married to Jim for four-and-a-half years," says Jennifer. "When we first got together, we did it wherever, whenever, and however. Now, it's been almost a whole year since Jim and I had sex. We have two sons. During my first pregnancy, I began to gain a lot of weight. The bigger I got, the less I wanted to have sex. It doesn't help matters that he makes issues out of my weight. He'll say, 'You've gotten so big,' and pinch my fat. Why would I ever want to turn around and jump into bed with him after that?"

"I never thought in my life that I'd be basically without sex," says Jim. "I'm paying the price because of the way she hates her body. I've been turned down so many times, I've basically stopped. I feel like masturbation is basically the only type of sex I have. It's been very frustrating and disappointing. I don't know what to do any more. I'm at a loss."
"First off, I heard you say, 'I don't know what to do,'" Dr. Phil tells Jim. "Let me start crossing some things off your list. Pinching her ass? That's not good. You have to know that. That hurts her feelings."

Turning to Jennifer, Dr. Phil asks her if she wants to have a sexual relationship with her husband. She insists that she does and admits to feeling guilty about the fact that he has to masturbate.

"Let's define the problem," says Dr. Phil. "What is the obstacle between you being more sexually active?"

"The biggest obstacle is my body," says Jennifer. "I can't relax and have sex when I keep thinking, 'What do I look like?'"

"You keep rejecting him because you don't like your body," says Dr. Phil. "But he does."
Dr. Phil points out to Jennifer that she is unilaterally imposing a life of celibacy on her husband, which she agrees is unfair.

"It's not that I don't want him," explains Jennifer. "I know he wants sex but I sometimes doubt if he wants me."

"He is attracted to you because he is coming specifically to you for sex," says Dr. Phil. "And you are rejecting him...You weren't there when we interviewed Jim...He really cares about you as a person. He cares about you for who you are from the inside. And he misses that level of intimacy that you used to have. Because you have a body image problem, you're shutting him out. That's kind of illogical, isn't it?"

"Where do we start?" asks Jennifer. "How do we get back into this? It's almost awkward."

"Oh, he knows where to start!" laughs Dr. Phil. Turning to Jim he asks, "You fully remember where everything is, don't you?"

Jim laughs, "Yeah!"
"What you have to do is cross a threshold," says Dr. Phil. "He isn't judging you the way you are judging yourself. If you would allow yourself to feel the acceptance that he has for you, two things might happen: Number one, you might cross that barrier that's got you shut down; Number two, you guys may decide, 'Hey we aren't taking good care of ourselves, so let's start doing that again.'"

Dr. Phil continues, "If you don't like your body image, change it. But don't confuse it with your self-image, whether you change it or not. I have the distinct feeling he's in love with you, not just your body. Is that true, Jim?"

"Absolutely," answers Jim.

"I have kind of a Nike approach to this: Just do it!" says Dr. Phil. "You have to decide you are going to stop judging yourself and enjoy his acceptance and get back into the habit [of having sex]."