How to Get What You Want Out of a Man

"My boyfriend and I are having a lot of communication issues," Jennifer says. "Anton and I have been together for about almost two years. We just recently moved in together. I feel like I have to nag Anton all the time to do something. Anton and I bicker a lot about doing household chores."

"The house is usually a mess and when it does get cleaned, it's because we choose to clean it together," Anton says.

"I do almost all the housework, while Anton is playing video games for, like, three to five hours, and it just gets really frustrating," she says.

"No, I do not spend too much time playing video games. Come on. How can you spend too much time having fun?" Anton asks.

Why can't Jennifer get Anton to help around the house?

 

"Are you worried about him being able to contribute, and provide, and pay bills, and buy a house, and take care of babies and things that happen when people stay together and get married?" Dr. Phil asks.

"Yeah, I'm definitely a little worried," she says. "But we're still young."

[AD]Steve says he has a chapter in his book which describes what women can expect from men in different age groups. He tells Jennifer that Anton is right where he's supposed to be. "This guy is living the life. He works part time, he loves video games, he cleans occasionally, and if you nag him, he doesn't care," he says. "You're expecting more from this guy, and he's not there yet. When you're ready to settle down with a guy, a guy has got to capture three things: Who is his, what he does and how much he's going to make. Those three things drive us, who we are, what we do and how much we make." He points to Anton and tells Jennifer, "This is unclear in any category."

Dr. Phil questions Anton about his education and his future. Anton explains he went to college for three semesters but is now taking a semester off. Further questioning reveals that he didn't study or pass his classes.

When it comes to Jennifer, Anton says, "Needless to say, I fell in love. She has most of the characteristics and the drive that I wish I could have. I moved in with her. I needed a place to stay." Everyone laughs, but he continues, "But I do love her."

"Are you at all concerned that this could turn into a parent/child relationship?" Dr. Phil asks Jennifer.

"A little bit," she says. "I mean, I feel like I'm cleaning all the time. Moms clean all the time. I don't want to feel like a mom."

Anton admits, "Is this where I expected myself to be? No. But I'm happy with her, and I'm happy where we are, and I'm happy for her most of all. She's got a great career ahead of her, a great future, and I hope to be part of it." Anton says he feels like a slacker, compared to Jennifer.

[AD]"Maybe you should man up and become what you think she deserves," Dr. Phil suggests. "It's just a matter of deciding that you want to step up and be a full partner in the relationship, right?"

Anton explains that he feels like an equal partner, but Jennifer doesn't see it that way.

Dr. Phil reminds the couple that they are young and don't need to settle down yet.

Steve says he has a 20-year-old son in college. "This is him," he says, indicating Anton. He says that if a young woman wanted to move in with his son, he would try to talk her out of it, because he won't be what she wants at this stage of his life.

Donna and Rudy have been married for 10 years. Donna says Rudy still doesn't listen.

"My wife, Donna, peppers me with questions and doesn't even let me answer the first one when she peppers me with five or six other questions," Rudy says.

"I would like to see Rudy do more listening," Donna says.

"Donna asked me to be a better listener, but I noticed she's not the one listening. Donna expects me to fix everything around her: fix the cars, fix our relationship, fix everything. When she's going after me, it sounds like a poor little cat with its tail stuck in a door. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah …"

Back onstage, Dr. Phil says he's trainable " and Robin agrees he's "come a long way." Donna says her husband isn't. She says when they encounter problems in their marriage, she wants to sit down and discuss it, fix it and move on, but Rudy doesn't.

"What does DJN stand for?" Dr. Phil asks Rudy.

"Demanding, judgmental and needy," he says sheepishly.

"And that's how you refer to her?"

[AD]"Jokingly," he clarifies.

"Yeah, she's not laughing," Dr. Phil points out.

Steve says he has a chapter in his book about another N word: nagging. "It's two Ts " it's tone and it's timing. You want a guy to do what you want him to do when you tell him to do it, and that may not even fit into his scheme of what's happening right now. And then the tone: If you're talking to a guy like he's a kid, he's going to shut you out." He says if a guy gets used to tuning you out, he won't hear you when you bring something serious to discuss.

In a previous interview, Rudy shows off his man caves, otherwise known as his sanctuaries. "One man cave is the cave you see right here, right now: All the things that I love to do. And my second man cave is in the garage. I have fishing gear, tools and antiques. When I'm in my man cave, and my wife comes in, I'm like a bobcat being backed in a corner. I'll come out, and I'll let you know that this is not appropriate."

Dr. Phil asks Rudy to tell his wife what she can do to cause him to be more engaged with her.

"Come in and say to me, ‘Honey, when you get a good time to come and help me, would you do that please?' And simply that instead of demanding," he says.

Dr. Phil and Steve explain the different way men and women think.

 

Dr. Phil recommends that Donna tell her husband what she needs from him when they are having a disagreement. "'Something that would help me, something that I need is A, B or C,'" he suggests. "There are times I've gotten in trouble, and I still don't know what I did."

 

Robin disagrees. "That is so not true," she says, laughing. "I'm very, very clear. You hear me. You're just playing dumb."

"Sometimes we don't know," he says. Dr. Phil asks Rudy, "You don't want to hurt her feelings, do you?"

 

"Not at all," Rudy says. 

[AD]"So, if you knew what she needed, if you know what was important to her, if you knew what her currency was, you would make efforts to try and fit that need, would you not?"

"Of course," Rudy says.