When Sex Styles Don't Match: Trina and Josh

"Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex," begins Trina, 36. "I want to have crazy sex. I don't care if it takes a minute or two hours. I don't care about foreplay or about orgasms. I just want to feel him with me." Trina has been with her boyfriend, Josh, for five years. "Joshua thinks I'm a bit of a freak; a sexaholic. I'm a bit proud that I'm a sexaholic."

"I love Trina more than anything, but her sex drive drives me crazy," says Josh, 27.

"Josh and I have sex probably five to seven times a week," Trina explains. "That's not enough for me. I'd be happy with two to three times a day. Josh and I have a son together. He thinks that I should be tired because I watch my child in the morning, and I work late in the evenings, but I could be exhausted and it doesn't matter. I still want to have sex with Josh. My favorite times to have sex would be first thing when he wakes up at 5:30 in the morning, and then when he gets home from work at around noon. I would love to be able to have a quickie before I go to work. I imagine Joshua's butt constantly. Throughout the day, I'll see somebody attractive on the TV. That will trigger a thought. I'll be watching a movie. That will trigger a thought. The UPS man will trigger a thought. Oh, I can't wait until Joshua comes home. I love to touch his butt in public. It's a young butt, and it's hot."

 

"I don't like PDA, and I think she does it to torture me," says Josh. "Trina loves passionate kisses. She gets slobber all over my face and hates it when I wipe it off. Every chance she gets, she's all over me, touching me, harassing me," he says with a smile. "I like my personal space. The other day, we were driving in the car. She put her hands between my legs and started rubbing me, and I had to push her away."


"I think that Joshua should be excited that I want him all the time," says Trina. "I do think about being promiscuous," she reveals. "Four months ago, I cheated on Joshua with a friend's husband. I really didn't think at the time that it was a bad thing. It was something that I needed for me. Sometimes I put myself in a dangerous situation, where maybe I will go to a bar and have drink by myself, and I'll be sitting, and I'll be looking at other attractive men that I might want to pick and choose. I would love Joshua to be able to trust me, however, I don't know if I can even trust myself.

"I would like Dr. Phil to tell me how it is. I want him to be stern with me, tell me if I'm crazy, if I'm being unrealistic, if this is hereditary. I want to know if these thoughts are normal," says Trina.

"Is this a new thing for you, or have you been this way as long as you can remember?" Dr. Phil asks Trina.


"Pretty much as long as I can remember. More after my divorce. I was married for 13 years and got divorced, and I guess Josh triggered something, I don't know," she says. She reaches out and touches Josh. "He looks so good, I just want to touch him all the time, and I get all excited."

"I can see that," says Dr. Phil. "When was this resurgence?"

"The more sex I have, the more I want. I just love to be with him. I love the feeling I get with him," she says.

"But you said that you're more interested in quantity than quality?"

"It's time with him I guess. I want his undivided attention. I don't want him on the computer. Even if I just get a minute, then I'm happy with that," says Trina.

"So quantity is important, not quality," says Dr. Phil.

 

"Now, people ask me all the time, is something normal? And my answer is always the same: Normal is defined by whether or not it is disruptive. Does it create a negative outcome? Does it create a problem? Is this to the point that it's creating a negative outcome in your life?"


"Yes, I hurt Joshua deeply in January, and I don't want that to happen again, but yet I still feel like the same person that I was four months ago, and I want him to trust me, and I do want to trust myself —"

"But she said you shouldn't trust her. You heard that, right?" Dr. Phil asks Josh. He turns back to Trina. "Because if he doesn't do what you want him to do, you're saying, 'I'm going to find it somewhere.'"

"I don't want to say I'm going to find it somewhere, but I think about it a lot," she says.

"Here's the point: It's controlling you, instead of you controlling it," says Dr. Phil. "And a great, healthy [sex life] is good in a relationship. You have to negotiate the differences, but you might be in some type of blood or hormonal peak that's not healthy for you, and you might want to have that checked, because if it becomes an obsession that's disrupting your life — you don't want to turn that off — but you might want to see if there's something biochemically that's driving you, where you're not getting to the point of satisfaction, satiation, and that might be worth checking. What do you think?"

"Definitely," says Trina.

 

He tells both of them, "There are blood chemistries and hormonal levels that can explain an insatiable sexual desire to the point of exhaustion at different ages, and you're certainly within the age bracket, so you should check that. But y'all have to negotiate this because if you don't, she's going to wind up doing the same thing again, and you know it. You know you will do it again if you don't get under control, right?"

Trina nods.

"There could be a blood or hormonal basis to it."

Trina nods again.