A Family Affair, Part 2: Saving a Marriage

A Family Affair, Part 2: Saving a Marriage
Dr. Phil continues to take an in-depth look into the aftermath of an affair.
"Since the show, I have started to truly and honestly work on my marriage," says Ed. "I gave my wife my pager so that should the other woman page, I wouldn't get it. And I also gave her my cell phone. Sure I had withdrawal from the other woman, but generally all those feelings were under control."
 
Kandi, who calls the other woman the "O.W.," says, "She'll page him and it's says 07734. If you turn it upside down it says 'hello.'" Imitating the other woman, Kandi says, "'Here I am. I'm waiting in the background.'"
 
Then Ed ran into the other woman. "I wound up talking to the woman briefly and she showed me some ultrasound pictures. She told me she was going to have a girl," says Ed. "Kind of tugs at my heart. I mean, I've always wanted to have a girl."
 
"That's supposed to be my girl," says Kandi. "If he was going to have another kid, it was supposed to be with me. That sperm is supposed to be mine!"
"After I saw the other woman at work, I had a lot of conflicting feelings of guilt. She's pregnant and it just brings out all kinds of emotions," says Ed.
 
"He was kind of pulled back a little bit," says Kandi.
 
Then, Ed came across some e-mails that Kandi had written to her ex-boyfriend. "I basically told this guy that I felt that we should be together instead of me and Ed," explains Kandi.

"I just became very angry and I lashed out at my wife," says Ed. "I said some things I shouldn't have said," he admits, such as telling Kandi that the mistress is better in bed — in front of the kids!

"He basically told me that I when I go to San Antonio next week, he's going to have the O.W. over at the house," she says.
 
According to Kandi, the biggest insult was when the other woman allegedly sent Ed a text message, saying, "You might want to give your wife a new mattress. We had too many good memories on that mattress."
 
"I just lost it," says Kandi. "The next day he went out and bought me a new one." As for the old mattress, Kandi says, "I want to take it to her front yard and give it to her."
Dr. Phil points out that initially, things were great between Ed and Kandi after their last appearance.
 
"It was wonderful," says Kandi. "We were more intimate. He was reassuring me every single day, telling me how much he loved me. We were very close to each other. Closer than we ever have been in years."
 
"What changed in your mind that caused you to engage her differently?" Dr. Phil asks Ed.

"Well, I was thinking, 'I've got to try my best to show her that I'm committed to the relationship.' So I put all my energy into paying attention to her, making sure that she felt secure, making sure that she felt loved. And really putting the situation out of my mind as much as I could to focus on her."
"What do you want from me and what do you want to see happen here?" Dr. Phil asks Ed.
 
"That's the part that's hard. I mean, I love my wife, I love my family. Yes. On the other hand, the other woman is pregnant. I still have feelings for her. I can't deny that. She is in a desperate situation in my view and it just pulls at me that I can't help her in any way," he says. Looking ahead, he wonders, "Once this child is born, is it going to destroy the marriage? And that's where she is really having problems right now. And I'm also kind of withdrawing from that initial emotional intimacy which I had with her and just going back into my shell and just pondering the whole situation."
 
"I want to be honest with you because somebody needs to," says Dr. Phil. "The first thing that you've got to get your mind around is that this isn't just all about you and what feels good for you in the moment ... Whether you like it or whether you don't, you are married to this woman, you have fathered three children with her and you do have an obligation and a commitment there that far transcends what feels good to you in the moment. Whether you get this rush of lust or whatever it is that keeps pulling you back to this other person, there comes a time when you have to decide that you have to mature to the point that you recognize life is not always all about you."Ed responds: "I don't view it as all about me. I view it as there's two women that I care about and regardless of how the second relationship came about, it does not change the fact that I care about her and she's pregnant and she also has feelings as well. Now, granted my wife and my children and my entire family, everything I've ever built is there, yes. But that doesn't change that other fact."
 
"What do you think about what he just said?" Dr. Phil asks Kandi.
 
"I think he's crazy," says Kandi, and the audience applauds. "Yesterday he said, 'Honestly, I think we're going to get a divorce once this baby is born.' Why are we going through this? Why put me through this turmoil of continuing to rebuild this marriage if he thinks we're going to get a divorce?"
 
Ed explains, "I'm thinking when this child is born, it's going to create so much friction and so many arguments that we're probably going to wind up divorced."
 
Kandi interrupts: "First of all, let me just tell you, we're having problems because he is creating them. I am not creating the problems ... He's creating the turmoil because he keeps thinking of the future and he's not going to be able to deal with it. And honestly, I don't know if I can accept this child if he's going to act like this."
When Dr. Phil asks Ed if he owns the problems he's created, Ed answers, "I'm in an indefensible position, granted."
 
"Well, don't just play an intellectual semantics game with me," says Dr. Phil. "You either own it or you don't."
"I went out and I had an affair because basically, it was a selfish thing to do, it wasn't the smartest thing in the world to do. Obviously, I'm a physician, I'm not an idiot, but it sure looks that way, doesn't it? I got myself into a pickle because I thought that I was in a very bland, completely unsatisfying marriage that was going to fall apart anyway. So I checked out. I literally checked out."
 
"And that didn't work out very well for you, did it? So you're going to do exactly the same thing again," says Dr. Phil. "The two of you went off and created something outside of the marriage that was totally inappropriate and she wound up getting pregnant because both of you had sex without protection. And that was a train wreck. You checked out and made a bad decision. Now you're saying, 'Well, this will probably wind up in a divorce when the child is born, so I'm checking out again.' It seems to me, as you say, since you're a physician and you're not an idiot, that you would be able to learn from experience. That checking out of something before you finish it appropriately doesn't work."