A Family Divided: Six-Month Checkup: Alex, Dr. Phil

The family discusses ALexandra's new relationship Alex explains why she stormed out of the room during the family talk. She says, "I left because my mom and my sister were brutally attacking me like a bunch of rabid wolves ... I don't feel like putting up with this stupid crap. I can take it from my mom and my dad, but I don't need to hear it from my sister. She is only 13, she doesn't know what the hell she is talking about. It really pisses me off. My mom and my sister need to step off. So what if he didn't finish high school? Right now he is making money."

She goes on, "The guys my mom wants me to date are like geeky, little four-eyed, skinny twig, 'let's work on computers all day long and make millions and millions of dollars and live in a house that they don't need, to be happy.' And that's like love to my mom " having money."

Alex is most upset that her mom and sister talk about her behind her back. "I have nothing to say about Katherine but good stuff to my mom. ... I go and tell her things that I don't want my mom to know about, but now I realize that she tells her anyway. So, that trust between me and my sister ... there is none, which kind of hurts because I thought we were a long way from that."

 

Dr. Phil asks Alex about the new boy that she is fighting so hard to see.

She describes him, "He's just a really, really nice guy, and he is cute and he's smart, despite that he didn't finish high school, yet."

Dr. Phil asks Marty how he feels about the situation and if this is the type of guy that he would choose for Alex to date.

Marty replies, "No, not at all. Her and I had a walk on the beach about a week ago, and we really talked about where I think she should go ... and it went really well. You know I can't sit there and physically pound it into her head, I can just suggest to her."

"Did anything your dad say to you make a difference?" asks Dr. Phil.

Alex responds, "Yeah. He was actually the better of the three of them. I was more willing to listen to him than my mom and my sister. I think the way that he took the approach was a lot better and made more sense."

Dr. Phil asks Alex: If she were to describe someone she would like to have a relationship with, would it be this boy?

When Alex answers yes, he clarifies, "If you were going to make a list, you would say, 'I want somebody that has dropped out of high school, is doing manual labor, has no future or plan for a future, but won't hit me.' That would be your wish list?"

Alex says no, and Dr. Phil continues, "Let's be honest about this ... we're at a point where you have to be realistic about these things. My concern is that at this point ... I don't see how you are substantially different in your problem solving and problem recognition skills, than you were when you got pregnant ... If I am wrong, tell me how?"

Alex emphatically replies, "Well these two guys are completely different ... they have none of the same qualities ... I am not having sex until I am married, and I don't know how many times I have to spell that out to everyone. And everyone thinks that just because I had sex once, I am going to do it again, and that is not true!" Dr. Phil corrects Alex, "The truth is, you didn't have sex once, you had sex multiple times, and one of those was with this guy. And, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior ... you have defined your relationship with this boy sexually, don't think for one second that he is going to go willingly into a platonic relationship with you because he has already had a sexual relationship with you. Do you get that, do you believe that?"

Alex answers, "On some level. There are guys that if you say you have had sex and you don't want to do it again, then they listen to you. My mom and dad don't really know this guy, so how are they to judge him? Yes we have had sex before, but I have talked to him about this and I said I don't want to have sex until I am married, and he said OK."

Dr. Phil responds, "Alex, don't be naive about this. I am not talking about you at this point, I am talking about him. The question is, can you manage this relationship ... should you if you can, and is it realistic?"

Dr. Phil asks Alex, "You kind of seem to be wanting to set this up as them and us. Like you're over on one side, and all of us adults are over here picking on you, attacking you, not trusting you and just trying to make your life something you don't want it to be? Is that how you are seeing this?"

"Pretty much. I don't know what to think to make me believe otherwise," Alex answers.

Dr. Phil asks Alex to watch some clips he has put together from past conversations where he addressed issues that Alex would have to face as a teenager with a baby.

Back in the studio, Dr. Phil clarifies, "When you were making the decision to keep Nathan, I was telling you, it's OK to make that decision, it's your decision, but it comes with a cost ... and it does change your adolescence. One of the things I heard you say is, 'Who else is going to want to date me at 15 with a baby?' ... Tell me about that."

Alex explains, "The guys where I'm from ... they don't see a 15-year-old girl with a baby because there aren't many of them, they see her as either a dirty skank, an easy piece ... or they think I am looking for someone to be Nathan's dad. And that's not what I am looking for at all."

Dr. Phil explains, "I think at this point you're kind of getting cabin fever, and you're kind of wanting to get out and run and play some. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to have fun ... But you made a choice, and you have to own that choice and own that circumstance ... You're saying 'I'm going to redefine things with this boy,' but the point is that this may not be the best time, it may not be the best person, and it may not be the best circumstance for you to overcome your cabin fever ... I think you are just convincing yourself this is OK because you're kind of desperate to get out of the house."

Alex replies, "I am not just looking to go out with this guy just to get out of the house. I want to go out because I think he is a really, really nice guy, and if anyone took the time to get to know him, they would see that."

 

Dr. Phil says, "I think what you're saying is, 'Who else is going to go out with me?. I don't have options.' Is that how you feel?"

"Yeah."

"You may be in a situation that it's just not time for you to be going out at this point. Part of the process of maturity is having to tell yourself 'No, I am not ready for this,' ... I don't want you to feel attacked, but I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear just because you want to hear it. I want you to make the right decisions for you."