Adoption, Part 1: Jack and Jill

Longing for a Child
Dr. Phil talks with parents in different stages of the adoption process, and pre-teen children looking to be adopted.
"We walked down the aisle knowing we wanted a big family," says Jill, who is married to Jack. They started trying to have kids immediately after getting married four years ago, and have since gone through five cycles of fertility drugs, 10 artificial inseminations and two in vitro fertilizations. After everything failed, they decided to adopt.

"When we were matched with the birth mother, I finally felt like my baby was going to be coming home soon," Jill says. "I was shouting from the rooftops. I was telling everyone that I was going to be a mommy!"

Jack and Jill formed a relationship with the birth mom and went to doctor's appointments with her. Jill started reading baby books,
prepared a cowboy-themed nursery and had a baby shower, all to prepare for the arrival of their new son. Then, Jill got a call from the social worker. "The baby had been born and the birth mother decided not to relinquish the baby," she says. "I have a beautiful nursery that is empty. I have everything, and there's no baby."

"It was devastating," says Jack, who is now ready to move on and find another adoption. "It's difficult to go through, but we still have to grow our family."

"My greatest fear is that this could happen again," Jill admits. "Everything logically says keep moving forward, but my heart is broken."

Dr. Phil addresses Jill: "You said that you felt like you had failed and that you feel guilty."

"Coming off the infertility, even though the infertility is unexplained, I, as the woman, beared the brunt of that," Jill explains. "And then when this happened, just the questions of, 'Did I say something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Was there something I could have done to have had a different outcome in this

situation?' There's a million different scenarios."

Jill also says that it has affected her relationship with Jack. "As many times as he can look me in the eye and honestly tell me, and I believe him, that I'm the person that he wants to be with regardless, and we're in this together, it's impossible for me to not be conscious of the fact that I'm letting him down," she says.

"You're not letting me down at all," Jack interrupts. "There's no failure. It's just an obstacle that we'll overcome by whatever means necessary."

Dr. Phil responds to Jack: "I get the idea in talking to you, that this in your mind is not an 'if,' it's a 'when.' This is going to happen. You see that clearly."

"Absolutely," Jack agrees. "Our goal is to grow our family and have a child. If that comes through biological means or through adoption, our goal doesn't change. If there's a setback, our goal still doesn't change."

"I just believe that there are no accidents," Dr. Phil says. "I believe that when you have good people with willing spirits and

good hearts, that things are going to happen the way they need to happen when they're supposed to happen."

Acknowledging that they both feel called to be parents, Dr. Phil asks what they have to give a child.

"Love," Jill says. "Our love and commitment to each other is very strong. I think having two parents that love each other is probably about the best thing that you can give a child. The security, the protection, the consistency."

"I had a wonderful, supportive family, and I want to give that same environment to my children," Jack adds.

Dr. Phil points out that raising children is a lot of work. He recites a quote from his new book, Family First: "Having a child is a momentous decision, because the day you decide to have a child is the day that you decide to spend the rest of your life walking around with your heart on the outside."

Confident that Jack and Jill will be great parents, Dr. Phil says, "Looking you two in the eye, y'all can raise my kids ... With the love and care and the heart that you guys have, there is a child in the universe that seeks your cocoon, that seeks your arm, and we're going to find him."