DrPhil.com Exclusive
Dr. Phil speaks with guests about the pain, turmoil and deception that go hand in hand with loving someone who is married to someone else.

Dr. Phil returns to the stage to hear any additional comments by the audience or the guests. He turns to Lisa: "One of the things I'm concerned about is why are you willing to settle for less than a whole relationship?"


"I just feel like I don't deserve happiness for what I've done," says Lisa.


"At the time that this started, you didn't feel that way," says Dr. Phil.


Lisa explains that in the beginning, she fell in love with the first married man she had an affair with. She wanted to marry him, and he promised her he would file for divorce, but never did.


"And then at that point, you just kind of said, 'You know, it's not going to work out anyway, so what difference does it make'?"


"No, I didn't go looking for these," says Lisa. "I don't know how relationships are supposed to be. I guess I'm just so used to being hurt and used."

"The thing to do at this point," Dr. Phil tells Lisa, "is everything you just said becomes a to-do list. You said, 'I don't know what a relationship is supposed to be like. I don't know how you're supposed to feel when you are 'the one' instead of 'the other one.' I don't know how to feel like I deserve that and feel worthy of that.' Shouldn't that become your focus at this point, to say, 'I'm going to figure that out'?"


Lisa explains that she's emotionally, physically and mentally drained, and she has put up a wall because she doesn't want her heart broken again. "It's not fun and I don't want to do it again, and I'm just afraid that's what's going to happen. And I'd just as soon be miserable and unhappy than have to go through that again," she says.


"Oh, no, that is not OK," Dr. Phil tells her as he moves to sit in front of her on the edge of the stage. "Listen, seriously, I don't want you thinking that. Because that is not the only alternative." Dr. Phil gives a Lisa to-do list: "The first thing you've got to do is withdraw from the relationships you're in, because they're dead ends ... the most important relationship you'll ever have in this world is the one you have with yourself."


"And that sucks right now," says Lisa.

"That's right," Dr. Phil agrees. "And that's the relationship you need to repair, that's the one you need to focus on at this point ... And right now you're mad at yourself, you're frustrated, you're drained and you're tired. That's because you're being used. And you're saying, 'I'm 41 and it's over.' Well, I'm 53 and 41 don't look too bad to me!"


"But you're married and have a family," says Lisa.


"Well, that's right, but that doesn't mean you can't be married at 53 either. There are so many things that are left in your life. I mean, the experts tell us, if we're alive in the year 2010, our life expectancy is 125. How scary is that? Now, do the math " that's six years from now " which means you'll be 47, that means you've got 78 years to go!


"Can I wave a magic wand and erase all that and start all over?"


"In a sense you can," Dr. Phil answers. "Truthfully, you can and you know why? Because one of the capacities we have is the ability to forgive. And you can forgive yourself or you can forgive other people. And what you need to do is say, 'I'm going to start a new day. I'm going to quit worrying about other people, and I'm going to really focus on my relationship with me.'"

Dr. Phil continues: "I think the truth is you've settled because you didn't think you deserved any better. And that is not true. That is not true. Everyone in this room, I guarantee you, each of us has gifts, skills, abilities, things that we've developed throughout our lives. We all have redeeming qualities and gifts. Do you know what yours are?"


"I've got a big heart," says Lisa.


"Alright, you got a capacity to love and feel. You're intelligent ... You're articulate. You've got a sense of humor. You're a survivor," Dr. Phil points out.


"Definitely," agrees Lisa.


"You have all of those things that are unique to you, and in the entire history of the world there has never been, until now, and will never be in the future, another Lisa ... You're the one. And the question is, what are you going to do with you? ... And you can start today. You can't change all that, what you can do is you can stop it. And you need to be your own best friend ... You've got to be there for yourself. You can change this, and at 41, it's not too late. Think about it."