Predator in the House: Elizabeth

A concerned mother writes:

 

Dear Dr. Phil:

 

Twenty years ago, I married the love of my life. I considered him my soul mate. We had no secrets " or so I thought. Three years into the marriage, I found my husband had some homosexual pornography. He told me he had urges but never acted on them. Then, my husband was fired from his job for viewing pornography of underage boys on the Internet. Later, he confessed to me that he had touched our daughter's 8-year-old friend on his penis. We soon discovered that the abuse had occurred over a three-year period and included multiple rapes of more than one boy. He was using our little girl as bait to lure his victims.

 

My husband was arrested and received a five- to six-year prison sentence. My daughter and I had to move, and I'm looking for a new job while living in constant fear of being judged for what my husband did. Even though he did not molest her, my daughter is having a terrible time making sense of the whole ordeal.

 

Dr. Phil, I'm plagued with fear, worry and guilt. How could I have not known whom I was married to for 17 years? Shouldn't I have known that my husband was a pedophile? Please tell me what I can do to move on with my life and make sure that my daughter grows up happy and healthy.

Sincerely,
Elizabeth

"What's been the hardest thing in dealing with this since it came to light?" Dr. Phil asks Elizabeth. 

"I think the hardest thing has been the betrayal, of feeling like I was lied to for so many years," she replies. "The hardest thing for me has been feeling a tremendous sense of guilt, that somehow I should have seen this. I should have stopped it. And yet, I've been over every moment of our lives together, and I can't see any obvious signs that I should have picked up before I did."

Dr. Phil says that Elizabeth may have been engaging in perceptual defense. "If there's something out there that is so offensive to our sensibilities, we just won't see it. It's just like functional blindness," he explains. "Do you think that happened with you? Do you think there may have been signs that an objective person might have seen that you didn't see?"

Elizabeth ponders his question. "To be honest, Dr. Phil, no. I really don't think so," she responds.

 

Dr. Phil wants Elizabeth to revisit the behavior of her husband. "You found a note by your husband about another man, and had him take an HIV test," he points out. "One day, you came home and found him and a little boy coming out of the bathroom together, and he told you, 'Well, I was helping him with his zipper.' You had a feeling about a 15-year-old boy who seemed to be seeking y'all out way too much, that there was some kind of connection there."

"OK. Alright," Elizabeth concedes.

Dr. Phil assures her that he's not accusing her of being in denial. "The reason I prefaced this by saying maybe you weren't totally honest with yourself at the time and denied the existence of some things is because if that's your tendency, I don't want you to do that now," he says. "You knew these things. You knew that he was getting sexual gratification in other ways. You knew there were some really odd situations that were troubling you " the 15-year-old boy, coming out of the bathroom with the kid " some things that were enough that they did hit your radar screen."

"That's true. Yes," Elizabeth says.

 

"Does that mean you should know, 'Oh, I'm married to a pedophile?' No, but it should heighten your sensitivity," Dr. Phil explains.

Dr. Phil applauds Elizabeth's courage for turning her husband in. "When you had evidence that something was, in fact, amiss, you didn't try to sweep it under the rug. You didn't try to look the other way. You didn't try to contain the problem for fear of retribution, and criticism and all of that. You did what you needed to do," he says. "You picked up the phone, and you had this situation dealt with, and he's in prison today, right?"

"That's correct," Elizabeth answers.

"You should give yourself credit for having the courage to step up and do that. That was then, and this is now," Dr. Phil tells her. "You can't hold yourself to a standard of knowing what you can't know. You can't waste time now blaming yourself for what you didn't know then. Maya Angelou said it very well. She said, 'You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better.'"

Dr. Phil applauds Elizabeth's courage for turning her husband in. "When you had evidence that something was, in fact, amiss, you didn't try to sweep it under the rug. You didn't try to look the other way. You didn't try to contain the problem for fear of retribution, and criticism and all of that. You did what you needed to do," he says. "You picked up the phone, and you had this situation dealt with, and he's in prison today, right?"

"That's correct," Elizabeth answers.

"You should give yourself credit for having the courage to step up and do that. That was then, and this is now," Dr. Phil tells her. "You can't hold yourself to a standard of knowing what you can't know. You can't waste time now blaming yourself for what you didn't know then. Maya Angelou said it very well. She said, 'You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better.'"