Tuesdays with Morrie: Bobby and Kelly

Tuesdays with Morrie: Bobby and Kelly

"Since I appeared on the Dr. Phil show, Bobby started making some changes," Kelly says.

"Dr. Phil helped me to realize some of the mistakes I was making," Bobby says. "I am working a full-time job, and I've taken on a part-time job to help our money situation. I have started turning my life around," he says.

"Dr. Phil gets his claws into him, and he's making these changes. Why couldn't he have done it in the marriage?" Kelly wonders. "The girls think the divorce is my fault, and they tell me, ‘Mommy, you broke it; you fix it. You go back to Daddy.' The girls are the whole reason I would consider forgiving Bobby."

"I hear all too often from our wonderful daughters, ‘Daddy, I miss you. I want you to come home. Why can't we all be together again?'" Bobby reports. "I would like her to forgive me, put it in the past, and work on a better future together."

"My heart wants to believe that this is the start of something new. My head is like, when is he going to go back to the way he was before the show?" Kelly asks.

Dr. Phil turns to Mitch. "Morrie didn't really focus a lot on money, and it's the number one reason for divorce today. What did he say about those things?" he asks.

"Well, Morrie understood those things too," Mitch says. "He didn't advocate living in a tree and humming all day. He wanted everything in perspective. Keep it in perspective. It's work. It's part of your life. It's not the reason you live. It's part of how you raise a family, but it isn't the essence of a family. It's all under the umbrella of love. If you start taking the money where it is in the pecking order and putting it way up there, you're basically worshiping the wrong things. And Morrie very clearly understood that, especially when he got sick and suddenly his
biggest concern was being able to move. It didn't matter what money was sitting in the bank. What was helping him was his family, his wife, his children and the people who were all around. So if you start worshiping money and expect that it's going to take care of you over the course of your life, you're putting your belief in the wrong thing. You should put it in one another."

Kelly says their marriage problems are not just about money. "There were so many other things that are missing in the marriage " the intimacy, the relationship, the communication, the friendship."

"You get that this isn't just about money?" Dr. Phil asks Bobby.

"Yes, I do. I agree with you. It's not just about money. And Kelly is right still on a number of issues," Bobby says. He begins to explain how
he recently got some insight from a book he came across, but Dr. Phil interrupts.

"I'm not interested in you quoting a bunch of people. I want to know, do you get the fact that the big issue with her is she is saying, ‘I have a hard time forgiving eight years of neglect'? … This ain't about money, nor should it be. It's a symptom, but that's not the problem," Dr. Phil tells him.

He turns to Kelly. "You said the girls blame you. If you were going to really roll up your sleeves and say, ‘You know what? The past is the past. I am going to give it a shot,' what would it take?" Dr. Phil asks.

"Wow. That's a really hard question," she says. "Everything that hasn't been: attention, communication, a relationship, each of us doing 150 percent because, obviously, neither one of us is doing 100."

Mitch shares a story about Morrie. "In all the time I spoke to him, I never saw him cry as deeply as when he told me a story about a friend of his. They had had a little disagreement over something, and Morrie had been obstinate, and they had lost touch with one another. He said, ‘I found out last year that he died from cancer, and I'll never have a chance to make it up to him. Why did I let that foolish disagreement over a small thing separate us all those years? It means nothing to me now. And he said, ‘Mitch, if there is anyone you love who you are fighting with, feuding with, just let it go. And when you get to where I am " and you will get to where I am " you won't care who was right or wrong. You'll just care that the people you love are there.'"

"Look, I don't know whether you two are right for each other or not," Dr. Phil tells Kelly. "You're saying, ‘How can I know if I'm doing the right thing?' I'll tell you when you're ready for divorce. You are ready for divorce when you can walk out with no unfinished emotional business. When there's no stone left unturned, when you don't have any resentment, you don't have any anger, you don't have any bitterness, because if you have those things, then you have unfinished business. You have to finish that business so that you can look at him and say, ‘I'm not mad at you anymore. I'm not bitter anymore. I have healed myself, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you' … You aren't there. You can't say that. If you want out of this marriage, you have to earn your way out."

Kelly is still upset that her husband didn't begin to make changes until she threatened divorce.

"Does it matter why? If he changes, do you really care why? If you get what you want, are you now going to complain about how you got it?" Dr. Phil asks.

"I'm not going to complain, but how do I trust these changes?" she asks.

"You trust it by watching these changes unfold across time. Talk is cheap. Watch what he does," Dr. Phil says.

Kelly wants to know if she should allow Bobby to move back into their house.
"That's what you work out in your community with the counselor that I arrange for you. But no, I don't think you live on opposite sides of the house. We can cross that one off," Dr. Phil says.