With more than 40 million men and women online looking for love, there are bound to be some scam artists out there. A “catfish” is a person who...
Once you have done some soul-searching to figure out what you want in a future husband, it's time to actively search for Mr. Right. "Instead of viewing yourself as a hunter bounding toward the man of your dreams, shift your point of view and think of yourself as a magnet pulling him to you," Dr. Phil suggests. The best way to do this is with a strategy.
In Chapter Seven of his book Love Smart: Find the One You Want — Fix the One You Got, Dr. Phil offers the following tips for going out and finding Mr. Right.
Leave the house.
"The one" isn't going to come knocking on your door or appear on your couch. You have to get in the game and put yourself out there. Make an effort to see and be seen by as many qualified new guys as possible. "Dating is a numbers game," Dr. Phil says. "The more men you meet, the more likely you will find your special someone."
Visit target-rich environments.
In Chapter two you created a sketch of the The Character of Him. Think about where this type of guy would hang out — a target-rich environment — and go there. Some places Dr. Phil suggest going are: Church or temple, batting cages, sporting events, bars, music festivals, art galleries, parks, philanthropic group events, bookstores, coffee shops and hardware stores.
Get out of your comfort zone.
Vary the places you go to meet men so you can see new faces. "By now you should realize that your ordinary hangout isn't the place to meet extraordinary men," says Dr. Phil. Explore your passions and let these things become your social life. "Go to places you'd enjoy even if you weren't looking for the love of your life." This way, you will meet someone who has something in common with you. "As long as you're really into what you're doing, you're going to give off a cool, passionate vibe that makes you seem like the catch of the day," Dr. Phil says.
Mix up the people you go out with.
Don't always hang out with a pack of girlfriends — but for safety reasons, never go out alone either. "Guys are less likely to come over if they feel they've got an audience," Dr. Phil warns. "They don't want to get rejected in front of four or five staring women." Plus, if you are with a lot of friends, it's too easy not to meet new people. It's also important to vary the people you go out with. "Often, different people bring out different aspects of our personalities," Dr. Phil shares. Going out with married friends and guy friends can make it seem like you are taken or don't want to be approached.
Have a strategy for meeting men at these new places.
This will ensure that you are not flustered when you see a man you want to approach. "If you know what to reveal about yourself or how to start the conversation, you'll come off confident and self-assured," Dr. Phil explains. You won't have to think of a plan while under pressure.
Learn about your audience.
Try to find out what the people you are going to be around are interested in. If you know that they are into something specific, you can brush up on some basics about that topic. You will then have something to talk about with them — comments to offer and questions to ask. "This isn't being fake. It's just a way to jump-start a conversation or feel comfortable taking part in one," Dr. Phil says.
Be prepared with your opening questions.
Usually the hardest part of meeting someone new is getting the conversation rolling. "One of the most important things I can tell you is that people truly love to be the focus of attention," Dr. Phil says. Come up with five to 10 questions to ask a man, and give him the attention he wants. It's important to listen to the answers when he is talking and ask follow-up questions. If you have these questions ready before you meet him, you won't feel pressure to think of a conversation topic, and you'll feel confident. Here are some examples of basic questions to ask within the first 10 minutes of your encounter. Icebreaking questions: Do you love what you do for a living, or work to pay the bills? What's your favorite book? What do you like to do in your free time? Which family member are you closest to? What's the best vacation you've ever been on? The deserted island questions: If you were stranded on a deserted island, and you could have only three of your most prized possessions with you — and sunscreen — what or who would you have? If you could plan a dinner party, who (alive or dead) would you invite to it? If you could keep only one of your five senses, which one would it be and why? If you won $10 million in the lottery, what would you do with the money?
Use your star power.
"The more generous you are about making other people feel like stars, the more star quality you yourself will possess," Dr. Phil says. Making people feel special is as easy as asking questions and really listening to the answers. "If everyone else in the room is saying, 'Me, me, me,' and you're saying, 'You, you, you,' you're the one who's going to get noticed."
Know your sound bite.
In Chapter five, Dr. Phil teaches women how to create their sound bite — an exciting description of themselves, focusing on their strongest attributes, using 20 words or less. Be prepared with a list of four or five things that you think people should know about you. Be positive and upbeat. Talking about things with pride, passion and optimism will draw others toward you.
Come up with your fillers.
Define four or five things you can talk about with anyone, anywhere. Be comfortable with the topics, and know them inside and out. "These can be saviors when you don't know what to say or when you hit a lull in conversation," Dr. Phil says. Some ideas of fillers are your hobbies, current events or vacation spots. Also, stay current on the latest news.
Act the part.
"What you say is only a portion of what attracts people to you," Dr. Phil explains. "The other part is all the nonverbal actions and mannerisms that speak volumes." To be successful in dating, you must exude confidence — in everything from your internal dialogue to the clothes you wear. "Men fall in love with their eyes, so looking your best is a must," Dr. Phil suggests. But don't wear anything that you aren't comfortable in. It is also important to be aware of your body language. "No matter how confidently you're chatting away, if your body language says you're insecure, that's how you'll be perceived." Try not to twirl your hair or fidget, and don't stand too close or too far away from him. Make sure your body language is consistent with the image you want to present. Another important factor to consider is your placement in a room. You don't want to be huddled in a corner, but rather, try being in a heavily trafficked area where you will come in contact with many people.
Immerse yourself in conversation.
Stay focused and engaged by making eye contact. "There is something very disarming about a woman who will look you in the eye, hold a handshake a little longer, touch your arm to underscore a point she's making, or use your name midway through the conversation," Dr. Phil says. "If the man you're talking to feels accepted and liked by you, he is much more apt to like you in return." Realize that your voice and speech also have an effect.
To learn more, go to Chapter Seven in Love Smart: Find the One You Want — Fix the One You Got. To read an excerpt, click here.