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          Single and Sick of It?

          September 13, 2002

          “Why am I still single?” thousands of women ask Dr. Phil, with looks of fear, desperation and hopelessness. Dr. Phil gets real about why they ” and possibly you ” are still flying solo.

          • Do an autopsy on your past relationships. Why didn’t they work? Look at things honestly and learn from your mistakes. 
          • Acknowledge what you own in a relationship. If you look at relationships that haven’t worked, the common denominator is you! That means you own part of the problem. You create your own experience and control the choices you make. Your behavior and decisions have consequences. Take responsibility for them.
          • Be your authentic self. Your authentic self is who you are when you have no fear of judgment, or before the world starts pushing you around and telling you who you’re supposed to be. Your fictional self is who you are when you have a social mask on to please everyone else ” and it doesn’t work if you’re looking for a lasting relationship. Give yourself permission to be your authentic self.
          • Change your internal dialogue ” what you’re telling yourself in real time. You may be programming yourself for failure with negative thoughts. For example, if you call yourself a “freak magnet” while waiting for a blind date to show up, you’re starting off with a negative internal message.
          • Take notice of your “tapes,” which Dr. Phil compares to “elevator music,” that constantly play in your head. Tapes can be even more insidious than your internal dialogue because they’re so well rehearsed and ingrained. Evaluate a particular situation, rather than listening to your tapes and deciding ahead of time. For example, if you’ve told yourself that “all good men are taken,” then you’ve labeled the man you’re out with as “a leftover” before you’ve even gotten to know him! Your pre-determined beliefs, which you may not even be conscious of, can be destructive.
          • A common mistake of many single people is that they try to change themselves for the person they are dating. When you do that, you’re not being true to who you are, and it will bite you in the rear.
          • If what you’re doing isn’t working, change it. Do something different. Don’t be someone you’re not, but have a broad range of who you are.
          • Decide what kind of person you’re looking for and put yourself in a target-rich environment. If, for example, you’re looking for a man who loves the outdoors, go there. And if you’re not looking for a barfly, don’t go to a bar to meet someone!
          • Only 7 percent of communication is verbal. For every thought you have, there’s a physiological reaction. Become aware of the signals you are sending out. Desperation, for example, comes through in non-verbal communication.
          • Recognize that you don’t have to be in a relationship to be whole. It is better to be happy alone than sick with someone else. The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself.
          • Don't put pressure on yourself. You don't have to be married. It's not required. Stop telling yourself you have to get a ring on your finger.
          • Are you available? Look at your life and ask yourself if you're leaving time to meet someone. Would someone have to throw himself on the hood of your car to cross paths with you and get your attention?
          • Don't act desperate. Send a message that you "want to" be in a relationship " not that you've "got to." Even if you hear your biological clock, it need not tick loudly enough for every eligible man to hear it!

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